Love is something that people often settle on. I hate that because people often convince themselves that they deserve less for temporary comfort. Love and relationships are something that should be easy. Something that is your stress reliever after a long day, something you lean on when you feel like you are crashing. Love should not be what causes you to have a stressful day and love should not be what is making you feel like you are crashing. Love is supposed to be happy and enlightening. But that is why I am writing this. Because there are so many people, including myself who are struggling with this. You love someone so much but you are so afraid to let go, even though you know it is probably what is best for you right now.
From my personal experience, I can tell you that you deserve better. If someone isn’t giving you their all and isn’t willing to, then why are you willing to give them all of yours? This is something that I have struggled with for quite some time, and I know many others have as well. You just sit back and let things happen because you love that person. You let them talk to you and treat you any way that they please because you love them. You let them be unfaithful, rude and all the wrong things because you love them. But this hasto stop. We have to start standing up for ourselves and making sure that we are receiving the love that we deserve. The attention and the affection that we all deserve.
Sit down, think about what your definition of love is and how you want a relationship to work. Write it down. Think about it some more and add to it. Is what you wrote down what your relationship looks like right now? If it is, then I am genuinely so happy for you. If it’s not, then do some more thinking. Are the things on your list that aren’t getting met, things that can be changed? If so, how are you going to address them and change them? Or have you already tried to work these things out and they just didn’t work? How many times do you have to try and completely drain yourself of all your energy before you decide that you have done everything that you can possibly do? That is the ultimate question in my book. Is it worth the pain; the exhaustion; the tears? It’s not. I can’t make that decision for you, though.
For the longest time I had people coming at me from all different directions trying to tell me that what I was doing wasn’t healthy or right. But if you are like me, then you are stubborn and you hate giving up. So what do you do? You stay and you try and try and try. Does it get better or fixed? Maybe for a little while but it will never be permanent. And here is the reason why:
You can try as hard as you want to change someone or to make them act the way that you wish, but if they don’t want it for themselves then it won’t be successful.
Coming to this realization takes some time and patience but it is worth it. Not right away but it gets better. The hurt will be there at first, you’ll want to recant everything you said as well as the decision you made to walk away. Don’t. Try and stay strong. Go hang out with your friends, don’t look at that person’s social media or ask others what they have been up to. Because even if they really aren’t doing anything or moving on, it will only make the break worse.
One thing that I’ve found to be helpful is to look back at the list I made of what love looks like to me and how I want my relationship to be. When I start to question if I made the right decision and wonder if this is what is right, I pull out that list and read it. I read it over and over again until I can sit there and look at myself and say, “You made the best decision for yourself right now and you deserve the best.”
Do they make time for you without you having to ask?
Do their beliefs line up with yours?
Do they genuinely care about you?
Do they listen to you when you talk? I mean actually listen, hear what you are saying and remembers it because they ask you about it later.
Are they adventurous? Are they willing to take risks with you or for you? Whatever that may be.
Do they surprise you? I don’t just mean with material things like flowers or dates but in general. Do they do things that surprise you in a good way that make you smile?
Do they make you a priority?
Do they make excuses for everything?
Do they go out of their way for you?
Does their family like you and cherish you? Does your family like them and cherish them?
Do you trust them? Can you honestly say that you trust them to go out, not stray from your relationship and be 100% faithful in all aspects?
Are they truthful? Are they lying about little things that may seem petty?
Are they driven? Do they want to do something with their life and how hard are they willing to work for it?
Do you fit into their life? Are both of your future plans something that can be made together?
Do they consider you when they make decisions?
Do they respect you?
Do they initiate plans with you or all are you doing all the work?
Do they take you out and treat you right?
Do they complement you, in more ways than one?
Do they bring you around their friends? Do you like their friends? And visa versa.
Do they encourage you daily to be the best version of yourself?
Do they challenge you to push harder?
Do they show you off?
I have re-read this list countless times and each time I slowly realize a little bit more why I have to stick with the decision I made. I tried and he tried and there are no regrets, but I have to remember I did what I could. And you do too. You have to remember that you tried. Don’t see this as failure or as if you are giving up. Because you aren’t but it’s not fair to anyone involved to continue something so unhealthy. If you spend hours each day worrying, nights crying yourself to sleep and days on end arguing then what are you waiting for? I know because I was there. I experienced and fought tooth and nail for it to work but it’s not going to right now.
I’m not saying that it won’t ever again in the future but until you sit back and evaluate things in your personal life, you will never know. The hardest part of it all is stepping back, being alone for a while and trying to fix the problems that you had in the relationship while exploring yourself. Don’t jump into someone else’s arms because I can promise you that it won’t work. Take time. Time to yourself, your school work, your family, your friends, your future. Be selfish for a season and only focus on you! Become the best version of you. You deserve the best, in every aspect of your life. It’s time to go get it.
————————————————————————–Published on The Odyssey